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mutecornett at 08:13pm on 11/08/2007
mutecornett at 08:13pm on 11/08/2007I've given this shpiel a few times but I'm still figuring it out as I go along, so--let me tell you about my experience of being Chinese-American!
I hated being Chinese-American. I wanted to be whiter than white: I studied European history, took an interest in Latin and Greek, built up an impressive vocabulary, secretly read British literature during my Chinese school classes (I had to repeat the pinyin class three times because of this), etc. just to catch up in 'whiteness' to everyone else, to prove that I had a right to be here, that I was as good as--if not better than--any of my white peers. I was terrified that my being Asian-American overshadowed everything else about me. I didn't want to be an "Asian-American writer," an "Asian-American artist," writing in a little corner about "Asian-American concerns." I didn't want to be boxed off into a little category that defined my whole being. My entire childhood, I wanted to be white so badly because I thought that if I were white, I would finally be seen as a completely realized person--a person who likes video games and fairy tales and ice cream and drawing.
I eventually outgrew my resentment towards being Chinese-American when I realized there was nothing wrong with me. These are the things I wish I could've told my past self: white is not the default. If you are 'marked' because of your race, then white people are 'marked' because of their race too, and god knows it's not all they write about. You are a person already, Chinese-American and all. You always have been.
(I did run into some minor racism when I was younger: kids asking me if I was related to Jackie Chan, some people harassing me and my mixed-race friend at our lockers, people greeting me with ching-chong ching-chong, etc. Ehh. Anyways, not so much anymore.)
International Blog Against Racism Week
I hated being Chinese-American. I wanted to be whiter than white: I studied European history, took an interest in Latin and Greek, built up an impressive vocabulary, secretly read British literature during my Chinese school classes (I had to repeat the pinyin class three times because of this), etc. just to catch up in 'whiteness' to everyone else, to prove that I had a right to be here, that I was as good as--if not better than--any of my white peers. I was terrified that my being Asian-American overshadowed everything else about me. I didn't want to be an "Asian-American writer," an "Asian-American artist," writing in a little corner about "Asian-American concerns." I didn't want to be boxed off into a little category that defined my whole being. My entire childhood, I wanted to be white so badly because I thought that if I were white, I would finally be seen as a completely realized person--a person who likes video games and fairy tales and ice cream and drawing.
I eventually outgrew my resentment towards being Chinese-American when I realized there was nothing wrong with me. These are the things I wish I could've told my past self: white is not the default. If you are 'marked' because of your race, then white people are 'marked' because of their race too, and god knows it's not all they write about. You are a person already, Chinese-American and all. You always have been.
(I did run into some minor racism when I was younger: kids asking me if I was related to Jackie Chan, some people harassing me and my mixed-race friend at our lockers, people greeting me with ching-chong ching-chong, etc. Ehh. Anyways, not so much anymore.)
International Blog Against Racism Week
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Not that I ever seriously aspired to an acting career, but in my young mind being able to play a princess on stage or in a movie was the next best thing to actually being one; and I remember feeling disappointed that I would never get that chance, I would never get to wear beautiful fairytale dresses and pretend to be a princess from way back when, because I didn't look like a princess from way back when.
In my case, being mixed was- well, a mixed blessing. It gave me a sort of advantage in the desire to be white that you mention, but it was my very whiteness that raised issues of legitimacy when I started thinking about maybe embracing/exploring/asserting my Chinese-ness, too. I wanted to incorporate that part of my identity, at the same time as I didn't want to be questioned as an impostor, at the same time as I didn't want to be pigeonholed as an Asian-American anything. To sum up: @_@.
Er, sorry for hijacking your post, but thank you for sharing!